Too Close for Comfort Food

Yesterday I wasn't feeling very well, so I made an appointment to see a doctor. This felt a little risky because we're rather busy at work, and a little short-handed. But, I'd had enough already.

Perhaps I should describe how I was feeling a little better. About a year and a half ago I noticed that I was getting light-headed rather easily. I attributed that to the medication I was taking (all of the writing I did about being Dizzy.) I first suspected that it was more than the side effects of that medication when I woke up at my home office desk, with the computer on in front of me, playing Christmas music, the sound of activity a few feet away. I didn't know why I was there and I felt a little warm. I believe I said, "What the hell just happened?!" and Barry, decorating a Christmas tree in the next room, glanced up and went back to work without  comment. I looked at the computer screen, which hadn't even started the screensaver yet, and saw a browser window open to Facebook. In Facebook there was a private message conversation between my brother, my sister and me. I scrolled up and began to read and it all came back to me. My brother was asking about something terribly embarrassing and I laughed and laughed and then I blacked out. When I came to, I was at my computer with music playing and the sound of activity coming from a few feet away and this brings us back to the 4th sentence of this paragraph. 

Laughing so hard you black out does not seem normal.

I made an appointment with my doctor and asked if I was anemic. I had other reasons to suspect this. My doctor knows me well enough to not be irritated by my self-diagnoses. He knows that I'm just trying to be an active participant in my health and that I bring such questions to him, rather than acting on them. (Not such an active participant that I'm willing to be active or anything. Lack of exercise is a theme here.) My doctor dutifully did a blood test and scheduled me for a sleep study, which is how I learned that I get to use a CPAP machine and frankly I think everybody should have one of them. But, I'm off track. I was a little anemic and we don't know why. I found an iron pill that helps a lot, and the warehouse promptly ran out, so I tried another brand that almost killed me and now I'm on an old faithful that probably isn't enough iron, but it's better than nothing and better than being brain-dead and lethargic, which is what that 2nd brand did to me.

Fast forward through the months of colonoscopies, endoscopes and other tests trying to figure out why I'm suddenly anemic, without much luck. I've more or less kept it in check, but then when I was feeling lethargic again, and very thirsty all the time and other annoying adjectives, I decided that I needed to see the doctor again. (I was at work. I read an email and it shocked me so much that I felt the shock in my gums. It was a simple question and it had no business alarming me and my gums have no business feeling electric impulses regardless.) So I made an appointment and left work early.

Looking back I probably could have handled it better. I insisted on being seen that day, and my faithful doctor wasn't available so I saw somebody else. When I thought about it, there was probably not much that was going to happen that day even if they found out that I was anemic. I could probably have waited another day to see my PCP. But, part of the reason I left work was to keep myself out of trouble. I wasn't in any condition to be at work. I probably wasn't in any condition to be driving, but oh well.

Many of my readers will probably have noticed the clues as to where this is going. Initial blood results indicated that I was not anemic. (They had to translate all of this for me because there wasn't a test that said "Anemic: Yes/No".) The nurse on the phone spoke of electrolytes and hemoglobins and other mysterious things. I was looking for "Iron" and a scale of where I should be; apparently it doesn't work that way. This is why we have nurses on the phone to help us through these difficult blood test results. My glucose was 94, which was fabulous because I wasn't even fasting. However, the nurse warned me that they were waiting for the results of a different test that would tell about how the past three months looked.

That result came in this afternoon. While I'm not precisely diabetic, if I inhale in the general vicinity of a Rice Crispy Treat that will probably be enough to push me over the edge. And, if this is why I have been so lethargic and light-headed, then that is great news. I can work with this. The Unknown is a little more frightening, especially with the specter of cancer floating in the air along with the hydrocarbons, nitrogen oxides and greenhouse gases. The substitute doctor's recommendation was to start on a low-carb diet and an exercise program to help lose weight. I mean, they've been telling me to do that for years. Imagine if I had listened. 

This is discouraging. After all that I've sacrificed, everything I given just to fight to stay alive, only to end up in this shape. Round is a shape and that shape has a name and that name is The Rather Earnest Painter. Knowing that I could have taken action to prevent this is frustrating. It's like I'm two people: the one who wants to get things done and the dreamer who I can usually find sitting in left field defoliating daisies, thinking about the handsome guy that I thought I loved when I was in my twenties and wondering what he's up to these days. And I want to throttle that one sometimes, but I'm only hurting myself.

So, this afternoon Barry and I registered with the Elgin Community Center and we did our first workout on their machines. I have never, not one day in my life, been in shape. I had to ask the just-out-of-high-school girl behind to counter to show me how to use the Stair Master, and she happily showed me that and gave us a brief explanation of how to use the other machines and equipment in there. My arms are so weak I can barely type.

Back at home, I would typically eat cake with a glass of milk and go to bed. It doesn't even sound appealing at the moment. After all of that work and sweat burning off 65 calories (the Stair Master was taunting me with that information, and laughing at me with the other equipment) I'm not really even tempted to blow it all with a plate of hedonism and a glass of abandon. I still want to sleep for a week, but this at least gives me hope. And, hope is what makes the world go round. That and friction.

When Inspiration Distracts

I decided that I needed to get back to watching Castle Rock because I want to catch up, not get further behind. Then, I considered how many episodes have been published and I began to get anxiety and almost scrapped the whole thing. I don't need this kind of pressure in my life.

So, I sat down and watched episode 3, Local Color, and then I continued with 4, The Box. 

The story is compelling and the cinematography is perfect. Somebody on the show could be eating a bagel and I'd be on the edge of my seat. There are a lot of dark rooms, a lot of cast shadows and light falling across faces. Camera angle is well thought-out, ambient sounds do their part to create mood. The closing of prison doors, the crunching of shoes on the ground, it's all used to make a chilling atmosphere.

I found my mind wandering. This is a common theme in my own life. I remember vividly being in kindergarten and first grade, staring out the window when I should have been doing school work. When I was even younger than that people would constantly catch me in a trance, daydreaming. This carries through to my adulthood, right up to this very day. Watching Castle Rock inspired something in me. It inspired stories of my own to tell, visual art I wanted to do. I was tempted at one point to turn it off because I wasn't able to pay attention as much as I should have been. But, I don't know that I would have actually sat down and written. I have a history of contemplating art, and never getting around to producing it. So, I made myself pay attention, stop trying to counsel the characters in what they should be doing and just be a spectator. I literally had to coach myself to just experience the show, to practice being the audience. Apparently this is a challenge for me - I'm not certain I was aware of this before now.

So yay! I've watched 5 episodes now. Wait, four episodes. I've only watched four episodes. I believe that there are currently 9 out there, so I seriously doubt that I'll be caught up by Wednesday when the next one comes out. But, I'm closer than I was. It's a struggle. Somebody needs to watch this with me.

Lazy Afternoon

Raku, quiet and plotting

This is what a lazy afternoon looks like in our home.

To Each His Own

After a hectic day, many of my friends stop at a bar, or get a roadie. Happy hour almost makes them look forward to a crazy day at work, just for an excuse to go unwind and blow steam.

But, for the most part I need time alone. A nice coffee shop is more my pace. I get to be around people, but I'm not expected to interact with them. Coffee is a unlikely choice for a beverage to unwind with, but it works. And, driving under the influence of caffeine isn't breaking any laws. It's nice to just sit quietly, reading or looking at social media. I prefer it if I can have my headphones in, though Epoch Coffee has nice music. The headphones enhance the feeling of personal space created by the anonymity of being in a room full of strangers. That doesn't make sense on paper.

"But," you tell me, "you could just go home and really BE alone. You could play your own music as loud or quietly as you want. You'd have all the personal space your cats would allow."

These are all true statements, but it's not the same. I like to be in a coffee shop (or a bar sometimes) by myself, but with other people around. It's borderline creepy, I understand. But, I'm quiet, I keep to myself and I'm mostly harmless. It's a little bit of winding down, then I can move on to the next thing.

Chill

I hope you all are having a good weekend.